...and maybe that's a good thing. Because I wish such beautiful things for you all, and I knew you at a really destructive time in my life so our friendships were, by extension, based on that destruction. I hope it isn't like that anymore.

I wanted so badly to be the person I am in my mind. I wanted to be fierce and raw and a rock-'em-sock-'em stand up for the kids way. Maybe I still am that person but I'm cloaked in some sort of protective skin...like the tender hot slivers that gather inside your cheek several days after you bite it too hard, or the scaly red edges around a scab. What am I hiding from?

I temporarily left uni about a week ago (by which I mean took an actual leave, not just wandered away in the middle of the night...though I've thought about that), moved in with my girlfriend, started looking for a job and tried my hardest to become a real person. I think I had to leave...I was slipping back into disordered patterns...but it's terrifying to think I might be running away again even if it was the best move for me right now. I want to convince myself there's more to me than a scared little girl trapped in a 22-year-old's body. I want to force the adult out of me like I'm squeezing a tube of toothpaste. I want to grow the fuck up already, because it's time -- it's so time -- I deserve to love myself and only I can make that happen.

I want to come out of this a winner, a fighter. But I can't stand being uncomfortable...I can't stand to sit still. And sometimes, I know, that's the most important part of winner: being strong enough to not give in when all you want to do is find something...anything to make those feelings go away.

I had (and still have, often) begun to wonder if every placating nothing my parents told me as a child was just a ploy to get me to stop crying. "You'll feel better in the morning, love," and "Everything looks better in the sunlight."

"Chin up, kiddo, you'll be all right."
"Buck up, it's not so bad."
"Cheer up, you can do it."

Up up up -- and away. I couldn't keep up. I pushed back and pretended. I slipped and I tested. I was a messy, sub-functioning, desperate creature.

But I needed to hear there existed something as elusive -- something as mystical -- as a brighter tomorrow, because right then I didn't know. I didn't believe. Like how as kids we sort of believe in whatever our culture's fairytales may be...but that doesn't mean we necessarily equate belief with reality. Back then our monsters were (and still are) frighteningly real, but we very seldom saw them.

What do we see now?

I have such an opportunity at my fingertips. This is a terrifying prospect, but if I can avoid running away again and seeking the shelter of the familiar, I think I just might be okay. I might be the secret fighter I want to be.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Damn this freewrite is long.

...Which is good, generally, because it means I've mostly recovered (except for body image and horribly obsessive thoughts, but everyone says those are the last to go). But it also means I'm leaving all of you, and you've been such a support to me throughout this. I don't even know if any of the people on my friends' list are still here, or still remember me, but I still want to say thank you and I'll miss you. So much. I couldn't have made it through, some days, without you.

Hopefully, I won't be back here. This stupid disease has taken too much from me -- it's been long enough, I'm ready to be done with it and rejoin my old life. A life of friends and family functions. A life of going out for a few drinks without worrying about the calories. A life of dating, because I can finally have a relationship with a real person...instead of just with bulimia, anorexia, exercising, SI, and destructive suicidal thoughts.

It'll be a hard road, but I think I can do it. You all are such beautiful girls and boys (and non-gendered entities, for those of you who identify that way), and I wish wish wish this stupid eating disorder didn't keep you from seeing how amazing you are -- how amazing we are -- inside and out.

I love you all, and I wish you the best, whatever you choose.

<3

And note to new people: if you've friended me and I didn't friend you back, it's just because I've abandoned this, not because I have a vendetta towards you. I'm sure you're brilliant and beautiful and amazing, just as stated above. But I'm giving this up, and that means really giving it up. No ifs, ands, or buts. No half-assing it. So, you won't be hearing from me. Sorry to the people I've turned down: it isn't you, it's recovery.

Hey, welcome to my journal...most of this stuff is friends-locked but it's pretty boring anyway. So. 

- I'm 19, a sophomore, and a Psych major.
- I have some issues to work through, but I think that's unsurprising -- most people do.
- I like art, theatre, writing...running...diet coke. And GLBT rights. I don't get political over much, but GLBT and the Right to Choose are two things that really do it for me.
- I get fired up about some things, not so much about others. I generally keep a level head.
- I'm passionate, but I tend to withdraw easily. I'm lonely, a lot of the time. Again, a pretty common theme amongst the human race.

I should say something pithy or witty here, but nothing's coming to mind.

Tell me where you know me from, and I'll probably add you back, unless I check out your info / journal and find something in it that's grievously offensive to me.